


a little death

by satzumo



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: F/F, fluff queen no more, namo is just mentioned lol, sorry pals, this is..... angsty, three people cry icb, why do all my main characters overthink like fuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-20
Updated: 2017-08-20
Packaged: 2018-12-17 15:26:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11854413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/satzumo/pseuds/satzumo
Summary: a definitely not angsty at all story about best friends and girlfriends and "something more"s wrapped up into a character study of a girl who's realizing she might be a truly horrible person... of course not everything is as it seems





	a little death

**Author's Note:**

> wow i started writing this at the beginning of march and here she finally is
> 
> i was inspired by the songs "green light" by lorde and "sleepover" by hayley kiyoko when they came out the same day and created a beautiful lesbian love story together
> 
> i loved and hated writing every bit of this 12k+ word monstrosity
> 
> title from "a little death" by the neighbourhood

Sana hated that Mina was too damn nice for her to hate her. Every time she was over at _their_ apartment she was helping to clean and do laundry (even when most of it was Sana’s) and she always made enough food for the three of them, not just two, even though she had every right to. That wasn’t what made her un-hateable though, Sana probably could have made excuses if that was all. No, she made _her_ so happy and treated her so well that Sana couldn’t find it in her to hate Mina, no matter how much she wanted to. Momo loved her, and Mina loved Momo, like, a lot. But Momo loved Sana too, and it was growing increasingly hard for Sana to convince herself that it wasn’t as much as she loved Momo. Sure, Mina was Momo’s girlfriend, the girl she was in love with, the girl she probably thought about marrying someday ( _fuck_ , it made Sana’s throat close up just thinking about it), but Sana was there first, she was Momo’s best friend. Her soulmate. They both knew it. All three of them knew it. No matter how long Mina stayed, Sana would always be a permanent fixture in Momo’s life. It was a truth that hung over their heads as the one year anniversary loomed, so close. Sana knew Mina wanted them to live together. She saw the longing in Mina’s face when Momo kissed her goodbye in the morning as she left to go back to her own apartment. She saw Mina’s subtle attempts to leave her things scattered around the apartment. But Sana also knew that Momo wasn’t ready to let Mina live with them. She wasn’t ready to move into Mina’s apartment, either. Momo didn’t want Mina to burst the comfortable bubble of space she shared with Sana, whether Momo actually knew and acknowledged that or not. Momo liked consistency, she liked routine, she liked being comfortable. Mina leaving her things around didn't bother Momo, neither did Mina’s several-day stays at their apartment. It was the thought of making it official that made Momo change the subject every time Mina started to hint at discussing their living situation. Mina would usually leave shortly after, disappointed with another failed attempt, and Momo would curl up beside Sana and hold her tightly, taking comfort in the stability that was her best friend. And Sana, fucking masochist she was, welcomed her with open arms every time.

 

Sana was glad that Mina was too damn nice to hate her. Sana would have hated herself, had she been in Mina’s position. Then again, Mina wasn’t one to really wear her emotions on her sleeve. For all Sana knew, Mina was slowly poisoning her meals. Of course, Sana knew Mina should hate her. Sana shared a domesticity with Momo that Mina had yet to achieve and probably feared she never would. She saw Mina watching them, saw the emotions that flickered across her face when she found Sana’s clothes tossed around Momo’s room, saw Mina’s grip tighten around Momo’s hand when her girlfriend let her fingers interlock with Sana’s as they all walked down the street together. Mina was aware that they often slept in the same bed, and that they cuddled up watching movies or cooking together. She was especially aware that Sana and Momo were each other’s first kiss, the story coming from a very drunk Momo during a long night of clubbing. The way Mina had shrunk into herself the rest of the night made Sana somewhat glad that she didn’t know that they still kissed from time to time, no matter that they were just innocent pecks, simple friendly affection between two lifelong best friends. Mina didn’t seem bothered by it after, even joking about it on several occasions, but her face from that night still caused a twinge of guilt with every “friendly” kiss Sana initiated. Not that it stopped her from doing it more and more frequently. So she was an asshole, sue her.

 

Pulled out of her musings by a knock on the door, Sana lifted herself off the couch. She opened the door and was shocked to find not only Tzuyu and Jihyo, who she’d actually invited, but Nayeon and Jeongyeon as well, all holding disposable coffee cups. Jihyo handed Sana one of the two she’d been carrying as she entered, followed closely by Tzuyu. Nayeon gave her a ‘boop’ on the nose as she passed by, a habit of hers, and Jeongyeon supplied an apologetic smile, most likely having been dragged here against her will. The four guests settled themselves onto the couch and chairs comfortably while Sana took her time closing the door, mentally preparing herself. It wasn’t that she didn’t _like_ Nayeon, she did, it’s just that sometimes Momo’s ex tended to get a bit overbearing, and was someone you needed to prepare for. As well as the fact that every time she saw her, Sana still recalled her strutting around their apartment naked constantly every time she visited, even two years after she and Momo had split. Sana had never been sure why they’d broken up, much like she’d never been sure why they ever dated in the first place. Momo’s relationship with Nayeon had always been somewhat of a mystery to Sana, since Momo was never one to casually talk about her romantic endeavors and Sana always avoided Nayeon partially because she was constantly at risk of seeing her bare ass and partially because Nayeon never seemed to like her. Now that the relationship was over and Nayeon was part of their friend group, she was completely fine, as though the whole year she’d given Sana the cold shoulder never happened.

 

“So, Momo’s girl is still around, huh?” Nayeon says as Sana sits down next to her on the couch. Sana followed her gaze to the framed picture of Momo and Mina sitting on the coffee table. Sana remembered that day, taking that picture. Momo had invited her out with them, and she’d readily agreed, ignoring the face Mina made. It was obvious Mina had intended it to be a date, but sometimes Momo was too good-natured. Sana didn’t mind one bit.

 

“Why wouldn’t she be? We saw them together like a week ago,” Jeongyeon asked, already laying sideways in the armchair and making herself at home. Sana, on second thought, wondered the same thing.

 

“It’s been close to a year, right? That’s always the breaking point,” Nayeon answered, most likely extremely cryptic on purpose so she could be dramatic. Sana shot Jihyo and Tzuyu a _look_ , silently questioning why they’d brought her along. Jihyo shrugged and Tzuyu just covered her mouth to hide her amused smile.

 

“Just say what you want to say, you dramatic-ass fool,” Jeongyeon groaned. Sana wasn’t sure why Jeongyeon even hung out with Nayeon, as it seemed she had a lower tolerance for Nayeon’s bullshit than anyone else, but everyone appreciated her ability to deal with Nayeon’s energy and make it manageable, so no one questioned her motives too much.

 

“Be quiet, asshole,” Nayeon huffed, throwing a pillow at her. Jeongyeon caught it easily, quickly sending it right back into Nayeon’s face, who yelled out in shock and faux pain. Knowing more attempts would end in the same way, Nayeon seemed to give up on retaliation, setting back into the couch and clutching the pillow in her lap.

 

“So what does a year have to do with anything?” Jihyo asked, steering the conversation back to where it was supposed to be. One of Jihyo’s most valued traits was her ability to reign in their extremely scattered and animated friend group; she was a solid foundation for the women who seemed to lose sight of their goals and destinations so often. Especially when Nayeon and Jeongyeon were involved, as their bickering could go on for an hour or more, and was always more amusing than whatever they’d been talking about before.

 

“You’ve realized that none of Momo’s adult relationships have lasted much more than a year, right? I can’t be the only one who’s noticed,” Nayeon explained in a tone that indicated she thought they were all idiots for not thinking about something none of them actually cared about.

 

“Now that you mention it, that is weird,” Sana frowned, thinking back on Momo’s past few girlfriends. Nayeon had surprisingly been around the longest, though Mina was slowly closing in on her record of a year and three days. Sana mentally shook herself out of the dark cloud of emotion that came over her at that thought; she couldn’t afford to zone out, at least not with people around.

 

“I mean, not so much, considering you’re the reason,” Nayeon shrugged, nonchalantly taking a sip out of her cup as though she hadn’t just implied that Sana was the ruin of all of Momo’s relationships. Sana whipped her head around to share an incredulous glance with the other girls, only to find them avoiding her gaze, picking at their cups or fiddling with the seat cushions.

 

“You all cannot be serious. How is it my fault?” Sana protested, voice cracking slightly. She might’ve had an inkling of an idea, but she wasn’t so ready to admit that it was anything more than an errant fantasy swirling around in her dreams. Surely they were fucking with her.

 

“I never said it was your fault, but you’re definitely part of the issue,” Nayeon said matter-of-factly.

 

“And what about the rest of you? I know Nayeon says stupid shit all the time, but you actually agree with her?” Sana directed her question toward the startled girls, ignoring Nayeon’s offended noise. After a moment of awkward silence, Tzuyu dared to look up, making eye contact with her, and Jihyo soon followed.

 

“Well, I think we’d all be lying if we said we hadn’t thought it once or twice. And, you know, we’d never say anything to either of you, because what you two do as consenting adults in the privacy of your own home isn’t any of our business, no matter how much we disagree with it, but it’s hard for us not to feel bad for Mina, or any of your girlfriends,” Jihyo haltingly admitted, glancing toward Nayeon. Sana took it in, confused, before the sudden realization hit her.

 

“Oh my God, we aren’t having sex! We’ve _never_ fucked, we’ve never even gotten close! The closest we’ve ever gotten was when we decided to get our first kisses out of the way in junior year! Oh my _God_ , you really all thought that? Jesus fucking _Christ_ , guys!” Sana exclaimed loudly, startling everyone in the room, including herself, to some extent. The wide-eyed expressions of her friends made Sana almost feel bad, until she remembered that they thought she and Momo had been getting together even while they were in relationships.

 

“You two really never… holy shit,” Jeongyeon was the first to speak, sitting up in the chair. A thought crossed Sana’s mind.

 

“Oh my God, is that why you hated me when you and Momo were together?” Sana asked Nayeon, who for once in her life looked like she had nothing to say. The older girl sat slack-jawed, looking like her whole world had been shaken to its core.

 

“I mean, after I broke it off with her, I didn’t really mind because you’re so sweet, and I could see how much she really loves you, but I’d really convinced myself that I was the other woman, especially near the end. I told myself that if we weren’t living together by the year mark, I’d break up with her, because that confirmed that you meant more to her than I did and it proved that my suspicions were right,” Nayeon explained. It was a rare moment of sincerity, and the apartment fell silent.

 

Sana’s fingers twitched, the only sign of her emotional turmoil. One part of her was upset that her friends would think so poorly of not only her, but Momo as well. Momo didn’t deserve that. Sana, on the other hand… That other part of her manifested itself in the clenching of her gut out of guilt. Sana thought of every longing glance she’d sent Momo’s way, every time she’d inserted herself into moments between Momo and her girlfriends because she knew Momo would let her, every instance Sana had subtly reminded all those girls of her importance in Momo’s life; a friendship of almost 20 years versus a relationship of a few months. Thinking back on all her deliberate actions and even those that came naturally presented Sana with a hard reality she didn’t want to face; she’d been avoiding admitting it to herself all this time for a good reason. Before she could respond, the sound of a key turning in the lock made everyone jump and scramble to look like they hadn’t just witnessed one of the biggest turning points in their friendship to date.

 

“Sana! Do you wanna go to lunch with- oh, hey guys,” Momo cut herself off, noticing the extra four people in her apartment. If their silence and deer-in-headlights expressions bothered her or made her suspect anything amiss, she didn’t show it; her face grew into a grin as she looked at her friends, painfully unaware of the discussion that had just taken place.

 

“Um, hi,” Mina greeted from behind Momo, increasing the oppressive atmosphere tenfold. Where Momo was outwardly oblivious to the awkward tension, the way Mina’s eyes darted from person to person indicated that she had an idea that she was the topic of conversation. Her eyes finally landed on Sana’s, searching for… _something_. Sana tried to manage her expression, but Mina’s look of sad acceptance told Sana that Mina had found what she was looking for, and she wasn’t happy about it.

 

It was no secret that Mina had always had a hard time getting along with Momo’s friends, and with what she’d just found out, Sana finally understood why. They were all distancing themselves from her, because they assumed Momo was going to eventually break up with her, and they didn’t want another Nayeon situation where it took over half a year for their dynamic to become comfortable again after the break up. It was bleak and pessimistic, but considering they thought she and Momo were _fucking_ this whole time, Sana didn’t blame them. She wondered how they would treat her now that their theory was proven to be incorrect.

 

“What’s up, Mina?” Jeongyeon, always stable and strong and able to deal with tough situations, _bless her_ , was quick to break the tension. Sana immediately noticed a difference in how warm her tone was, and Sana wanted to both smack her and kiss her for so abruptly adapting.

 

“Momo’s here too,” Momo pouted, and Sana wanted to kiss her too, for very different reasons, but she quickly pushed that thought out of her mind before it became another daydream. Something about discussing their nonexistent relationship had broken down Sana’s usual defenses against her romantic inclinations, and she found herself staring with an extreme longing at her best friend before Jeongyeon’s voice snapped her out of it, not noticing the way Nayeon was looking at her.

 

“And Jeongyeon is hungry,” she responded, mocking Momo’s tone. “Let’s all go eat, since you mentioned lunch.”

 

* * *

Sana smiled as she heard Momo’s door open and heavy footsteps heading toward the kitchen. She flipped the last pancake out of the pan and onto the sizable stack she’d been working on for the past 30 minutes. She turned off the stove just as two arms encircled her waist and pulled her against a warm, solid body, and she closed her eyes as Momo buried her head into her neck. _Was it normal for best friends, especially when one was in a relationship, to do things like this?_ The fact that Sana had to ask herself that probably indicated something, but the feeling of being wrapped up in Momo’s arms was too distracting for her to really care.

 

“Morning,” Sana greeted quietly, turning the burner off. Momo grumbled and squeezed her tighter, not allowing her to do anything but stand in Momo’s embrace. Sana stayed like that for a minute or so, reveling in the affection, before patting her on the arm. “The food is gonna get cold, babe.”

 

Momo hummed, her rough morning voice apparent, and Sana tried not to swoon over the sound. Momo slowly relinquished her grip and moved to sit at their small kitchen table, eyes barely open.

 

“Is Mina not here?” Sana asked, eyes flickering in the direction of Momo’s bedroom. Usually Mina was up even before Sana, and as a consequence was the one making breakfast. It was odd that she was either not awake already or wasn’t here, given that it was a Saturday and she always stayed over during the weekends.

 

Momo grumbled a response, and Sana picked up that Mina was visiting her parents for the whole next week. Thankfully, Sana had a lifetime of experience deciphering Momo’s incoherent half-asleep speech pattern, or else she would have been completely lost. Sana’s heart leapt at the thought of being able to spend a whole week with her best friend, _alone_. It had been almost a year since they’d had that chance, and Sana was already antsy to hang out with her.

 

“Best friend day?” Sana prompted, setting the plate of pancakes on the table. Momo looked up at her with half-lidded eyes, and Sana forced herself to break the eye contact before she lost herself. Momo was too damn pretty in the morning for her own good. And for Sana’s.

 

“Don’t you have plans today?” Momo finally spoke clearly, her voice still gruff, as she reached for a pancake without waiting for plates or utensils. Sana giggled at the sight of Momo biting off a piece of pancake in her pink pajamas. Sana had bought them for her two years ago, because the little yellow duck pattern reminded her of Momo.

 

“Well, I was supposed to go out to the club with Nayeon tonight, but I can just blow her off. She’ll complain at me for a week, but that’s no different than normal,” Sana shrugged, setting down two empty plates and forks, as well as the syrup and butter. While she wasn’t really inclined to hang out with Nayeon separately from the rest of their friends any other time, Nayeon loved to go clubbing and Sana was the only one who actually enjoyed it as well. She liked drunk Nayeon better, anyway. Or maybe she just liked her more after downing a few shots herself.

 

“Nah, don’t cancel. I’ll go too,” Momo said, ignoring the fork and just dipping her pancake into some syrup. Sana nearly choked on her own pancake. Momo didn’t _do_ clubs. Momo was shy in public without alcohol, and Momo _hated_ how she acted when she was drunk. Mina had managed to drag her out to one a few months back (with Sana’s help), and that was the first time she’d been since she and Nayeon were dating. This was the first time Momo had ever decided to go without prior prompting.

 

“Are you sure?” Sana asked, not wanting Momo to do this only so she didn’t inconvenience her friends. It wouldn’t be the first time Momo sacrificed her own comfort for others.

 

“Yeah, I’ve kinda been in the mood to get out of the apartment and drink a little anyway,” Momo answered, leaving Sana with even more questions. Since when did Momo want to drink and go out clubbing? She didn’t push it, since Momo didn’t seem uncomfortable or doing that thing with her mouth that she did when she was lying, and sent a quick text to Nayeon letting her know about the addition to their night. Nayeon responded with her usual paragraph of emojis instead of words.

 

“Well, Nayeon knows, so there’s no going back now.” They both laughed, well aware of Nayeon’s refusal to let things like this go.

 

* * *

“I can’t fucking believe it. The _entire_ time we dated you only let me drag you out to the club two times. Two fucking times! Then suddenly you have some sort of passion for clubbing? I’ve been robbed! Robbed, I say!” Nayeon yelled, mostly to herself, as Sana and Momo watched her fly around her apartment getting ready.

 

Sana and Momo had gotten to Nayeon’s apartment ten minutes later than they’d said, and Nayeon, true to form, was still applying the “finishing touches”. (Namely, already getting drunk and trying to find a certain tube of lipstick, only to decide against it after finding it.) If Sana had a dime for every time she and Momo had shared a knowing look whenever Nayeon said she was almost done, she could’ve probably _bought_ a club by now. Sana, as she always did whenever she was in Nayeon’s apartment, found her eyes wandering to the places that held memories of Momo’s time dating her. There was the coffee table Sana had to help them lug up the stairs after a very drunken night had revealed that the previous glass table she owned was not load bearing. At least, it wasn’t meant for a drunk Momo to toss an even more intoxicated Nayeon onto in the middle of… well. Sana hadn’t pressed for too many details, but she _had_ enjoyed seeing Nayeon waddle around with bandages wrapped around her ass from all the broken glass. There was the hole Sana had accidentally punched into the wall when she and Nayeon were drunkenly arguing over… was that the fight about which president was the kinkiest or the one about zombie sharks versus robot bears? Okay, so maybe the _punch_ wasn’t accidental, but the hole in the wall definitely was. Sana was apparently very passionate about robot bears. And the couch Sana and Momo were sitting on, well, that had seen more of Momo than most people. Sana tried not to think about the multiple times she’d seen something she wasn’t supposed to happening on this very couch. Especially how Momo’s chest had been heaving with ragged breaths, or her wild, dilated pupils, or- _Jesus fucking Christ_. Sana had been mentally repeating the five G’s lately: Good God Get a Grip, Girl. All her thoughts had been slowly winding paths down a rabbit hole she was finding it harder and harder to climb back out of. Even now she was zoning out, and any second she’d probably be-

 

“Damn, Sana, did you pop some pills or something? ‘Cause you should slip me some. Actually, don’t, you’re spacey as hell right now, I don’t need that in the club,” Nayeon rambled, thankfully snapping Sana out of her thoughts. She needed to stop this, or it was only going to get worse once she started to drink.

 

“You okay?” Momo whispered as Nayeon busied herself with calling the Uber. Sana nodded, though the answer was more of a _definitely not_.

 

* * *

Sana felt like her heartbeat was matching the thrumming bass, even though it was pretty scientifically impossible with how fast the tempo was. Maybe it was just the way Momo was pressed against her, hands wrapped around her waist, practically molded to her back with her head resting on Sana’s shoulder. Sana could feel every ridiculously exaggerated swing of her hips to the song, and she could only roll her own in time, for the first time hoping the God Dahyun always looked to for guidance was there to answer her prayers of letting her make it out of this alive. Momo’s hands dragged down her hips before slowly making their way back up to her ribs and down again. Sana’s breath caught as Momo’s fingers brushed the underside of her bra through her dress, and she really wanted to go back in time and strangle herself for deciding on a skintight bodycon dress. Even the lightest of touches translated easily through the thin fabric, and Sana felt like she was on fire. She should’ve known better than to let herself indulge as much as she had, especially since Momo had started slamming back shots immediately after they’d gotten in the club. Momo was always ten times more physically affectionate when the alcohol dulled her senses, and Sana had always thought her own skin was much more sensitive when she was under the influence of something. Everything inside of her begged to melt into Momo, to take every bit of what she was being given, but that small nagging thing in the back of her mind ( _it’s not like that_ ) kept her from falling completely over the edge. She felt Momo nose into her neck and on instinct let her head fall back onto Momo’s shoulder, eyes fluttering shut. It wasn’t until she felt a very light kiss at the base of her neck that Sana jolted upright, realizing that she’d been slumped down into Momo and letting her completely hold her up. Sana mumbled something about a drink before escaping from the bubble they’d made for themselves on the dance floor. She kept her eyes down on the flashing, multicolored lights that made the floor, weaving through clubbers until she found the place she’d last seen Nayeon, sitting at a table and nursing a drink. Thank God she was still there, apparently not quite ready to rejoin the mass of bodies. Sana flopped down into the chair beside her, breathing heavily, before glancing at a somewhat taken aback Nayeon.

 

“You’ve got a little, uh…” Nayeon gestured to Sana’s neck, holding up her phone so Sana could see with the camera. _Damn it_ , _Momo_. Nayeon was definitely sharp enough to identify the just-dark-enough-to-be-visible shade of lipstick Momo had chosen to wear that night and was definitely not stupid enough to think it had been smeared over the side of Sana’s neck by accident. Sana grabbed one of the napkins on the table and began scrubbing while cursing under her breath.

 

“You know, you’re shit at hiding your feelings, Sana. At least from me. I know you haven’t technically lied about anything, but a lie by omission is still a lie,” Nayeon suddenly said, surprisingly eloquent for someone who’d been three shots in before they’d even gotten in the car. Something seemed to have sobered her up immensely. She swirled the tiny straw in her drink around with a single finger, not looking at Sana.

 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Sana said, suddenly very sober and very uncomfortable in her skin.

 

“I’m not sure if I believe that you don’t.” Nayeon looked over at Sana, a serious look on her face. It was unsettling, seeing Nayeon so serious, especially in a setting like this. Nayeon continued before Sana could respond. “Listen, I saw the look on your face when we confronted you about Momo. You were telling the truth, but you were guilty. I believe that you never touched Momo during any of her relationships, or yours. Hell, I even believe you’ve never touched her at all, but I can see it in your eyes when you look at her. I won’t believe for a second that you don’t wish it _was_ a lie. You’re allowed to do whatever you want, but don’t let Momo hurt herself. That’s your job as her best friend, okay? Hurting Mina is gonna hurt her. Please, not for me, or even for yourself, but for her.” Nayeon’s sudden switch from reprimanding to soft pleading gave Sana mental whiplash. Her mind was still trying to figure out what had happened on the dance floor, much less comprehend Nayeon’s confrontation.

 

Momo stumbled up to the table, derailing Sana’s train of thought. She’d already forgotten what she was thinking about. “There you guys are! I missed you,” Momo whined, sitting in the chair between them and wrapping her arms around their shoulders, pulling them close. Nayeon stiffened immediately, subtly trying to pull away from her grip. Momo relented and let her go, focusing all her affection onto Sana. Nayeon caught Sana’s eye as Momo snuggled into her, but Sana was too drunk to interpret looks right now. At least that’s what she told herself.

 

* * *

Sana swallowed heavily as she watched Nayeon stumble out of the car, slurring goodbyes. The twenty minutes it would take to get back to their apartment, alone with Momo in the back of the Uber, loomed over her head. Even as drunk as she was, she felt her nerves getting the better of her. They’d all gotten considerably drunker since Nayeon’s warning to Sana, Momo because of fun or whatever had prompted her to come out tonight, and the rest of the trio because they were trying to avoid and drive out the awkward tension. It almost worked, mostly because Nayeon lost all sense of self after her second shot of tequila, but Sana had been unable to avoid Momo’s burning gaze, even now as the driver started down the street once Nayeon had gotten inside with only minimal tripping. Momo had been staring at her all night, and for the first time in her life Sana wished she would stop. The discomfort was making that feeling appear in her chest again, that disgusting mix of guilt and excitement that made Sana angry at herself and, if she was being honest with herself, angry at Momo as well. Momo didn’t have the right to make her feel like this. Not just in this moment, not just tonight, not just for the past damn lifetime they’d known each other. The more Sana focused on it, the more furious she got. She could still feel Momo’s fucking eyes on her, pushing her, pulling her, putting thoughts in her head. Fuck this. Fuck Momo. Sana was going to set her and those eyes damn straight the second they got back to their apartment. Drunkenness be damned, this was the perfect time. If it waited any longer Sana was going to do something she regretted and Momo would hate her for it.

 

* * *

Sana slammed the apartment door behind her and leaned against it, glaring at Momo’s back as she pulled off her shoes. She clenched her fists and closed her eyes, drawing in a deep breath as she prepared to give Momo the verbal thrashing of her life. Before she could make a sound, she caught a whiff of booze and Momo’s perfume, and her eyes flew open to see Momo’s face inches away, her arms braced against the door on either side of Sana’s head. Sana let out the breath she was holding in shock, but didn't make a noise, all thought startled out of her mind.

 

“What are you doing?” Momo murmured quietly, half-lidded eyes searching Sana’s.

 

“I could ask you the same thing,” Sana breathed out.

 

The corner of Momo’s mouth turned up in a slight smirk. “I asked first,” she insisted, not letting Sana deflect.

 

“Considering giving you a piece of my mind,” Sana answered, regaining her anger from earlier despite the butterflies in her stomach.

 

“Which piece?” Momo asked, which both added fuel to the flame of ire and ignited something else entirely in Sana. Momo was never this wittily charming while sober. God she was drunk. They were both so drunk. Fuck. _Fuck_.

 

“The piece that’s very mad at you right now,” Sana whispered, unable to raise her voice.

 

“Why is it mad at me? Did I do something wrong?” Momo asked quietly, tucking a piece of hair behind Sana’s ear, her fingertips dragging along the curve of Sana’s jaw before her hand resumed its position on the door.

 

“You’re doing too many things right.” Sana dropped her eyes from Momo’s gaze. A mistake, considering she now had the perfect angle to see right down- _stop it_. They’d long passed the boundary of dangerous territory, but even Sana’s drunken mess of a brain could stop _that_ train of thought before it ran off the tracks. Of course, all thoughts went out the window when Momo shifted to resting on her forearms and leaned her head against Sana’s.

 

“Can I tell you a secret?” Momo whispered, lips almost brushing Sana’s.

 

“You’ve already told me all your secrets,” Sana answered, using every bit of willpower to stay against the door.

 

“Not this one,” Momo’s hands moved to grip Sana’s wrists tightly.

 

“Okay.”

 

* * *

_Fuck. Double fuck. Triple fuck sundae with a cherry on top._

 

Sana couldn’t move. Fifteen minutes ago, she’d woken up as the little spoon in a bed that wasn’t hers, with a girlfriend that wasn’t hers, and no clothes in sight. After she’d extricated herself from Momo’s tight grasp and sat up, she’d tried to run through her memories of last night, hoping what she feared wasn’t true. The results were inconclusive, but a bad feeling had settled in Sana’s gut. It was like a monster had come over her last night. Something that wasn’t her at all yet was the most pure representation of her feelings. It scared her. What was keeping this locked inside doing to her? It had broken out of its prison in the darkest parts of her heart, and even though she’d once again managed to contain it, she would never be able to shove it back down completely. It was out in the open now, and Sana could only hope Momo could forgive her sometime in the next 50 years. They couldn’t grow old together like they’d planned if Momo was avoiding her the rest of their natural lives. She hadn’t even considered their friends, or Mina- _God, Mina_. Staring at Momo, soft sunlight illuminating her relaxed features, Sana didn’t want to think about it. She wanted to take in this last moment of normalcy before the most stable thing in her life was changed forever. Sana jumped slightly when Momo started to stir, unnaturally early, especially with the massive hangover she was bound to have, if how Sana’s head was pounding indicated anything.

 

Momo’s eyes opened slightly, squinting while she focused on the figure beside her. “Sana? Was it hot last night?” she grumbled. Sana was taken aback at the question. She couldn’t remember anything past that… intense moment at the front door, though given that it was her and Momo in a state of drunken passion, she was sure it was-

 

“It must have been, since we took our clothes off. Probably forgot to turn the air on before we crashed.” _Oh_. Literally hot. Momo… didn’t remember. She must have been even more drunk than Sana, plus her alcohol tolerance was lower. Fuck, what was she going to say?

 

“Uh yeah, well we were… pretty drunk. I’m surprised we made it into a bed,” Sana laughed nervously, cringing when the act made her head pound. Was she really going to do this? Actively lie to her best friend like it was nothing? If she was honest with herself, it wasn’t anything she hadn’t already been doing, but this was even more serious. It used to only be Sana’s problem, but now she’d dragged Momo into it. _Fuck_. She had to do it. She couldn’t pass up the opportunity to keep her friendship intact.

 

* * *

Hanging out with the friends who’d accused her of sleeping with her best friend the day after she was about 80% sure she’d slept with her best friend wasn’t Sana’s idea of a good time, but Momo had insisted, because for once everyone had the day off work. Sana was especially wary of Nayeon, who hadn’t stopped peering at her across the table since the moment they’d sat down. She wished Nayeon would tone down her staring, the others would probably start noticing soon if she didn’t stop being so obvious.

 

“So did anything happen after I got dropped off last night?” Nayeon asked, not bothering to keep her voice down. Sana kicked her under the table, and was surprised that Nayeon had the self-control to not make a sound.

 

“Momo and I just crashed in her bed since it’s the closest to the front door. Why, what else do you think we would have done?” Sana asked pointedly, daring Nayeon to start a scene with her eyes.

 

“Nothing really, just wondered if you guys continued the party,” Nayeon answered with a tight-lipped smile. If anything, Nayeon was a master at being subtle when she wanted, so Sana was probably the only one to catch the edge in her tone, since she was listening for it.

 

“Nah, you tired us out plenty at the club,” Momo interjected, happy and oblivious as ever. If Sana wasn’t so in-tune with Momo’s expressions, she might have thought Momo was aware of exactly what had happened last night and was putting on an act, but Momo really was that chipper and sincere, even with a hangover. She couldn’t keep secrets from or lie to most people, especially not Sana.

 

“Boring. How was everyone else’s nights?” Nayeon directed the conversation to the rest of the group, glancing at Sana one last time before giving her attention to Jihyo’s story about her date with “the cute girl from work”.

 

* * *

“If I confess something bad to you, would you judge me?” Sana asked, looking up at the sky.

 

“As much as you like to make jokes, I’m not actually a priest. If you want to confess your sins you could come to church with me, I guess,” Dahyun answered with an eye roll Sana couldn’t see, but felt.

 

“You know I didn’t mean it like that,” Sana huffed. She’d asked Dahyun to come to the park to cloud watch with her and had been working up the courage to talk for the past 30 minutes. Dahyun knew enough to be silent and let her gather her thoughts.

 

“I know. I can’t promise to not judge you, I’m only human. I’ll do my best to be understanding, though,” Dahyun said.

 

“I know you wouldn’t. I’m not into religion really, you know that, but maybe I should be. It seems to give you peace of mind. I think I’m actually going crazy, maybe if I prayed or something…” Sana moaned, pressing her hands into her face.

 

“You and I both know telling God anything doesn’t work for you, that’s why you’re talking to me. Enough deflecting with religious existentialism, what’s up?” Dahyun sighed. Sana only ever brought up religion when she was feeling guilty about something, and Dahyun wasn’t nearly Catholic enough to deal with it, even though she was the one Sana always had these conversations with. She didn’t like to talk about religion nearly as much as her friends joked that she did.

 

“What does the Bible say about cheating?” Sana asked, and Dahyun let out another sigh. She was never gonna be able to escape it.

 

“Uh, it’s bad? I don’t just carry around a Bible, and I certainly don’t have it memorized,” Dahyun answered.

 

“What about the person who gets cheated with? Like the mistress? What does it say about them?” Sana asked, and Dahyun was immediately out of her depth.

 

“Maybe you _should_ go talk to the priest,” Dahyun said worriedly, sitting up and looking down at Sana, who refused to look at her or move.

 

“I think I had sex with Momo,” Sana blurted out, startling Dahyun.

 

“You- you think?” Dahyun asked, unsure of how to respond.

 

“We were both super drunk, and we woke up naked in the same bed, but she doesn’t remember anything and neither do I,” Sana rambled, sitting up and trying to control her heart rate.

 

“Oh, God. Um, well… you aren’t exactly in control of yourself when you’re drunk, you know? But I guess that doesn’t excuse you- are you crying?” Dahyun interrupted herself when she saw the wetness on Sana’s cheeks.

 

“I just don’t know what to do. I’m not even sure if it happened but I feel so guilty because we were being really inappropriate that entire night, and I’ve had these feelings for her for so long, and I just… don’t want to lose my best friend,” Sana admitted shakily, pulling her knees to her chest.

 

“I wish I could help but this isn’t something I can decide for you, you know? But I’ll listen to you talk yourself through it, and I’ll… I won’t call you a bad person because you aren’t, a single mistake doesn’t make you a bad person, you know,” Dahyun comforted her, rubbing her back.

 

“You’re too good of a friend, Dubu,” Sana smiled weakly, looking up at her. Dahyun grinned back, hiding her worry from her friend.

 

* * *

“So you and Dahyun have been close lately,” Momo broke the comfortable silence, her leading tone evident. Sana had chosen the armchair this afternoon, despite Momo making an obvious place for her on the couch beside her.

 

“We’ve always been close,” Sana deflected, not in the mood for this conversation.

 

“You’ve hung out with her every day for the past two weeks. I barely see you anymore,” Momo pouted, making Sana want to kiss it away. She quickly looked toward the television quietly playing SpongeBob, afraid of her own self-control, or lack thereof.

 

“It’s not at all romantic, if that’s what you’re worried about,” Sana said, wishing she didn’t sound so short.

 

“Wh- uh, why would I be worried?” Momo stumbled over her words, apparently not expecting that phrase.

 

“Just a figure of speech, I guess,” Sana’s voice trailed off, letting the room become silent again. She hated how weak their conversations had become, but the more she was alone with Momo the worse her feelings got. She’d been hanging out with Dahyun because she was the only one who knew the situation and it was a nice escape from watching Momo and Mina be lovey-dovey in front of her face.

 

“You know, Mina’s got a work conference this weekend. Maybe we could go do something?” Momo proposed suddenly.

 

“Alright, but maybe no drinking this time? I think I still have a hangover from last time,” Sana joked, trying to avoid anymore mistakes.

 

* * *

Sana’s perfectly crafted plan of not touching any alcohol around Momo went out the window when Jihyo announced a party to celebrate Tzuyu’s graduation. More for Jihyo because she liked hosting parties than for Tzuyu, who tolerated parties for about two hours. Usually she and Momo dropped out of parties together because they had the same limit, but while Tzuyu had left about an hour ago, Momo was still throwing back drinks and dancing on Jihyo, who was possibly the wildest drunk Sana had ever met, and that was saying something, seeing as Sana and Nayeon liked to fist fight while drunk. They were friendly fights. Mostly. Sana was a few beers and three shots in when Momo flopped down beside her, drunk as a skunk and sweating through her tank top. The flannel she’d been wearing over it had disappeared, and Sana was immediately fighting to keep her eyes away from Momo’s… heart. Very big heart. When Momo leaned over to hug her, it gave her an even better view. Sana was definitely a heart girl. But _fuck_ , she _wasn’t looking._

 

“Hey stranger,” Momo greeted, her dopey smile growing as she looked up at Sana, who was trying to ignore not only Momo’s… heart, but also her girlfriend, who was watching out of the corner of her eye while talking to Jeongyeon in the corner.

 

“Hi Momo. You’ve been very social lately,” Sana said, choosing to watch Jihyo and Nayeon have a dance-off rather than get lost in Momo’s wide, dark eyes.

 

“You too, leaving me all by myself to go hang out with your new girlfriend,” Momo pouted, causing Sana’s head to jerk toward her.

 

“Girlfr- Dahyun is _not_ my girlfriend. Besides, you actually have one. Can’t you spend time with her?” Sana stumbled over her words, unsure of why Momo was so put off by her spending time with Dahyun. _She_ was always spending time with Mina. Sure, Sana was also usually there, but Momo should have some alone time with her _girlfriend_. No Sana to ruin their relationship. Nothing to make Mina suspect anything.

 

“Yeah but I miss you when you’re gone. I always wanna be with you too,” Momo whined, grabbing at the fabric of Sana’s shirt and nuzzling into her neck. _Jesus_. Not this again. Sana let her eyes canvas the room, landing on Nayeon. Thankfully, Nayeon already seemed to be watching them, an unreadable expression on her face. Sana motioned toward Momo, and Nayeon understood, making her way over to them.

 

Nayeon tugged on Momo, pulling her to her feet and allowing her to use her as a support. “Come on, big baby, I think Sana wants to party a bit more, let’s go talk to Jeongyeon.” Sana shot Nayeon a thankful look and heaved herself off the couch to visit the kitchen. Maybe a drink was in order.

 

“Having fun?” a voice caught Sana’s attention as she pondered the jungle juice, wondering who made it. Sana turned to see Chaeyoung, one of Tzuyu’s best friends from school, though she’d only recently started hanging out with the rest of the group. Sana had only interacted with her a few times, but she liked her. She had a cute hipster vibe and tolerated Sana’s dumb teasing and pick up lines, which was all Sana could ask for in a friend. It had taken Dahyun much longer to be able to be in the same room with her alone.

 

“Not as much fun as Jihyo’s having,” Sana answered, nodding toward the living room, where Mina and Tzuyu were trying to keep her from climbing on the coffee table.

 

“I don’t think anyone else could have that much fun if they tried. You seem a little down though. I know we aren’t really close but, you know, if you ever wanted to talk…” Chaeyoung trailed off, coming to lean against the counter beside Sana.

 

“It’s just some… personal stuff.” Sana let her eyes drift toward Momo, who was hanging off Jeongyeon and watching her girlfriend wrangle Jihyo with a smile.

 

“You know, when I first met you guys, I thought you two were dating. I even said something about it to Tzuyu and I thought she was messing with me when she told me it was Mina. You two have a special bond, even I can see that. Whatever the problem is, I’m sure you’ll be able to work through it. Don’t let it drive you two apart,” Chaeyoung said. Sana felt her jaw drop.

 

“I- uh…” Sana couldn’t think of anything to say. This girl, without knowing anything about what was going on, cut right to the heart of the struggle Sana was having with herself.

 

“Oh jeez, I was way out of line. I’m sorry, your business is your business, I shouldn’t have-” Chaeyoung was cut off by Sana’s hand clapping over her mouth.

 

“No, you’re absolutely right. Thank you,” Sana reassured her, smiling softly.

 

* * *

It was week two of Sana trying to slip back into normalcy. Not too clingy, for fear of her own self-control and Mina’s watchful eyes, but not too distant, because Momo was her best friend damn it. She didn’t like spending time away from her any more than Momo did, and if she was going to keep this secret to avoid ruining their relationship, she shouldn’t ruin it on her own. However, the nature of their friendship and how it appeared to others was truly starting to sink in for Sana. Had they always been this inappropriate? This in-your-face about themselves? Where Sana had no problem with Momo’s affectionate kisses before, now each one sent a shock of awareness through her, looking around to see if anyone was watching. It didn’t help that Momo only ever did it when nobody was around, and pouted when Sana refused. Had she let it get this far? Encouraged Momo’s natural touchiness for her own gain, to the point where it was teetering on the border between platonic and something more? Was this all her fault? It surely wasn’t Momo, her intentions were innocent and friendly. She hadn’t noticed anything different, because it had naturally progressed to this without Sana stopping it, even when she knew better. To Momo, this was just how their friendship worked, but for Sana, this had been her cruel mockery of what she truly desired from Momo. _God_ , it all made sense. She’d been using Momo for her own personal gain, her disgusting fixation with her best friend, all right under her best friend’s nose. It was disgusting and wrong. Sana had to fix this before she made another mistake, but she was too much of a coward. What if Momo got hurt? Or worse, got too curious as to why Sana was suddenly averse to her affection. Sana could never lie to Momo, at least directly.

 

“Why so thinky?” Momo broke Sana out of her reverie, which had been quickly spiraling into self-destruction. Sana looked down to where Momo’s head was resting in her lap, a small moment of relaxation before Sana had to work and Momo went to her dance class.

 

“Do you think our relationship is weird?” Sana asked, trying not to gasp when she realized she’d said it out loud. Momo furrowed her eyebrows, considering it.

 

“I mean, we’re weird people. I don’t think it’s weird to us,” Momo answered.

 

"I mean to other people," Sana elaborated, playing with Momo's hair.

 

"Why does it matter what other people think? It's our friendship," Momo countered. Sana sighed, wishing for once Momo wasn't so indifferent to how other people saw her.

 

"Because you have a girlfriend, and it's not hard to see that she's a little unsettled by it. So is everyone else," Sana let out, somewhat relieved she could finally get it off her chest.

 

"You know I'd choose you over anything right? You're my best friend, we've been best friends since high school. If whoever I'm dating is uncomfortable with you being in my life then I shouldn't be dating them. Mina understands how much you mean to me, I made that clear. We do talk to each other even when you're not around, you know," Momo smiled up at Sana, reaching up to pat her cheek reassuringly. Sana thought for a moment, wondering if she should continue the discussion, knowing it might lead to a fruitless argument. She dropped it, leaning her head back into the couch.

 

They sat in comfortable, yet loaded, silence for a few minutes, before Momo spoke up again. "You know, if you aren't busy with your girlfriend tonight, you should come out with me and Mina. Or you could bring her with you and it could be a double date," she proposed, not opening her eyes, a small smirk on her face.

 

"She's not my girlfriend you weirdo. I'm actually not sure what she's doing tonight, but I could text her?" Sana answered, grabbing her phone from its place resting on Momo's legs to send a message.

 

"And after we can catch a movie and make out in the dark," Momo grinned, watching Sana's eyes go wide. Sana tried not to let her mind wander to the scenario that sounded like.

 

"I guess you and Mina could be disgusting in public, but I'm certainly not kissing Dahyun anytime soon," Sana said, rolling her eyes.

 

"Oh, I was talking about you and me," Momo said seriously, and even though Sana's years of experience with Momo caught the joking edge to her words, she couldn't help the way her heart leapt.

 

"Shut the fuck up, you ass. I'm not kissing you either," Sana rolled her eyes, smothering Momo's laughter with a pillow. This girl was gonna kill her.

 

* * *

If Dahyun's wide-eyed glances between Sana and the other side of the table weren't obvious enough, the awkward air between Sana and Mina and Momo was palpable. It wasn't anything any of them would ever acknowledge out loud, and Sana wasn't even sure Momo was aware, but that was the fifth time she'd caught Mina looking at her, and it was starting to make her uncomfortable. She'd been so cautious, there was no way Mina should have even a hint of what happened.

 

"So, have we decided on a movie?" Momo broke the silence, confirming that she was indeed unaware of the unspoken tension.

 

Dahyun, bless her heart, used that as a springboard to fill the silence with an in-depth analysis of the trailers she'd seen and the pros and cons of seeing each, leaving Sana to relax a bit. Looking over, she found Mina staring at her again, but this time she didn't immediately look away. While it wasn't the same as the unspoken conversations she had with Momo, the emotions in Mina's eyes were clear: something had made her wary of Sana, had made her reconsider how "okay" she was with how Sana treated Momo, and vice versa. She wasn't going to accuse anyone of anything, not that Sana could tell, but she was keeping a closer eye on them. Sana could tell she trusted Momo, that wasn't the problem. It was Sana. But Momo loved Sana too much for Mina to make space between them. Mina would lose that fight. Sana, thoroughly intimidated, drew her attention to Momo, and was surprised to see her best friend already looking at her. Seems Momo wasn't as oblivious as she thought. Sana just wished time would move faster. At least in the darkness of the movie theater she wouldn't be forced to look at people who expected so much of her.

 

Of course, the movie theater presented a new battlefield. Sana had hoped Momo would choose the cheesy kids' movie, but she and Mina had agreed on the romantic comedy. Dahyun shrugged with a sympathetic smile, she'd tried her best. Momo, true to form, had insisted that Mina sit on one side of her and Sana on the other. That was fine, Sana could handle sitting beside her best friend, besides, Momo would probably be focused on sucking face with Mina. Sana could rest easy. At least, that was how it would work in a world that wasn't constantly trying to fuck her over. They weren't even thirty minutes into the movie when she felt Momo's hand sliding under hers on her lap, lacing their fingers together. Sana nearly jumped in shock, whipping her head around to look at her best friend. The screen was bright enough to illuminate the shape of Momo with her arm around Mina's shoulder, her dangling hand being played with by her girlfriend. Sana wanted to ask Momo what the fuck she thought she was doing, but didn't want to alert Mina. The whole situation was on thin ice as it was, so Sana said nothing, relaxing into the seat and squeezing Momo's hand gently. She could feel Dahyun staring but tried not to look at her, avoiding the voice in her head telling her this was a bad idea.

 

"This is a terrible idea," Dahyun whispered in her ear. No wonder the voice sounded so familiar.

 

"I'm handling it," Sana whispered back, making sure Momo wouldn't hear.

 

"I can see that," Dahyun said pointedly. Sana scoffed under her breath at the pun, and her attention was drawn from her friend by a subtle sharp squeeze and tugging at her hand. She leaned back from where she'd been quietly speaking to Dahyun and looked at Momo for an explanation but only found her best friend staring at the screen, a slight frown on her face despite the fact that the rest of the audience was somewhat chuckling at whatever joke the movie had attempted to make.

 

"Oh come on, I'm sure the joke wasn't that bad," Sana whispered jokingly. Momo's eyes widened and she looked toward Sana, seemingly startled.

 

"Oh, I was- uh, sorry, I spaced out," Momo fumbled. Sana couldn't quite tell, but Momo seemed a bit flustered. What was that about? Sana glanced toward Mina, who seemed more engrossed in the movie than any of them. Thank God.

 

"Movie not interesting enough for you?" Sana teased, squeezing Momo's hand.

 

"I could ask you the same thing," Momo retorted, and something flashed in Sana's mind.

 

"I asked first," Sana breathed out, the words coming without hesitation. Something shifted into place, and when Momo turned to look at her, she was suddenly back at their apartment, against the door.

 

Quickly turning her head, Sana let out a shuddering sigh. Fuck.

 

* * *

Being alone with Mina wasn't Sana's ideal scenario. Wasn't even in her top 50 of things she wanted to do at any particular time, actually. Yet here she was, twiddling her thumbs like a doofus and avoiding eye contact with her best friend's girlfriend, who by all accounts she should have a good relationship with. It wasn't until now that Sana realized that in the entire year Mina and Momo had been dating, they'd never been alone together for more than a few minutes before. Now they were in for an entire hour while Momo was out. Neither of them wanted to give in and leave. This was Sana's apartment, damn it, and Mina sure as hell wasn't going to even give her an inch of control. Sana could feel the tension rising between them, and she wasn't sure how much longer it could last.

 

Sana's attention was drawn to the other girl when Mina grabbed the remote and muted the television. "Can I trust you?"

 

Sana was startled by the sudden question. "What do you mean?" she swallowed nervously.

 

"I mean... If I asked you a question, would you tell me the truth? No matter how much it hurt? No matter how awful it was? Would you lie to me to protect my feelings or to protect yourself?" Mina elaborated, looking down at her hands squeezing themselves into tight fists.

 

"I- of c-" Sana was cut off by Mina.

 

"No matter what I asked you. Can I trust you to tell me the truth even if it would ruin a relationship? My relationship? Please," she pleaded. Sana stared open-mouthed, realizing how delicate the situation was.

 

"Yes," Sana answered truthfully, too tired to lie or hide anything anymore. She was never good at lying anyway.

 

"That night, when I was away." Mina paused, lifting her head to look Sana in the eyes and breathing in deeply before continuing. "Did you sleep with her? Please tell me the truth. I-I don't care what the answer is, I just need the truth. I'll do anything for you to just tell me. Did you sleep with my girlfriend?"

 

She was crying now, tears running down her face. In that moment, Sana wanted nothing more than to comfort her, but now wasn't the time. Mina would never accept her comfort like this.

 

"I don't know. That's the honest to God truth, Mina. I can't remember. If I had to make a guess though, it's likely," Sana admitted, squeezing her eyes shut in an attempt to keep her own tears at bay.

 

"I know. I just wanted to hear it from you. Momo tells me everything, you know. She told me exactly how the night went, well, what she remembers of it." Mina laughed humorlessly. "She doesn't even remember being at the club, you know? I tried to get her to tell me why she got so wasted but she doesn't know that either. She's not dumb, you and I both know that. She just likes to see the best in things. It makes me want to see the best in her. And- and if you can't even remember it either, which I do believe, then I'd like to pretend the whole situation never happened. But I can't, and I think- I think I need some time away for a while."

 

Sana watched as Mina stood up, grabbing her jacket. "Time away?"

 

"Momo and I are going to take a break. I'm going to go stay with my parents for a while and think some things out, try to find myself again. I think it's best if you two have some time to yourselves to figure things out and if by the end of that time we're both on the same page..." Mina trailed off, knowing her intent was clear. Sana stood and followed her to the door of their apartment.

 

"Are you okay?" Sana asked, noting that Mina was no longer crying.

 

"I will be. If it doesn't work out for me and Momo, well... I guess I'll see you around sometime," Mina answered, walking out without a second glance. Sana closed the door behind her, shaken and processing the past half hour. Nothing was going to be the same.

 

* * *

Sana wanted to curl up into nothingness. She couldn’t tell if the pain in her head was from all her crying, barely eating for three days, or her heart. It wasn’t that Momo would never talk to her again. No, for once, Sana wasn’t being selfish. She’d ruined her best friend’s relationship, her happiness, her peace of mind. Sana was forcing Momo to cut herself off from a constant she’d had her entire life, her best friend since middle school. Momo hadn’t been home ever since before the confrontation with Mina. Sana had asked around, just to make sure she was safe, and Jeongyeon had told her that Momo was camping out on her couch for now. Thank God. She needed someone stable to help her and comfort her. Sana, pathetic, awful thing she was, had been sleeping in Momo’s bed, hugging her pillow. She was so masochistic, seeking comfort in the place that had ruined her life, but it was the only place she could stand to be. She’d never been away from Momo for so long without communication, and it was killing her inside. God, she was so _stupid_. As the tears started sliding down her face and soaking into the damp pillow again, she heard the front door open and her heart jolted in her chest. Sana didn’t dare look up, unable to face her best friend in such a pitiful state.

 

“God, you’re pathetic,” Nayeon sighed, coming to stand within Sana’s line of sight. Dahyun appeared beside her, nervously fumbling with her fingers.

 

“I wanted to come check on you and Nayeon was the only one who had a key-”

 

Nayeon cut her off. “The only one who would come with you,” she corrected.

 

“Sana… you can’t stay like this. You’re gonna get fired and fail your classes,” Dahyun said, looking like she wanted to do something, but unsure of what it was.

 

“I don’t care. I’ve already ruined my life,” Sana mumbled, shoving her face into the pillow.

 

“ _Your_ life? What about your best friend? How do you think she feels?” Nayeon raised her voice, grabbing the pillow away from Sana’s grasp and tossing it to the floor.

 

“Nayeon-”

 

“Shut it, Virgin Mary. How dare you feel sorry for yourself after you completely destroyed your best friend’s relationship, huh? You’re acting like a victim when this was literally all your fault. How about, instead of crying your life away, you actually go do something productive, like go see her?” Nayeon berated her, ignoring Dahyun’s wide-eyed disbelief. Sana, with great effort, pushed herself up into a sitting position. She closed her eyes to let her head stop spinning, and then looked up at her angry friend.

 

“She doesn’t wanna see me. I’m the reason she’s upset,” Sana sniffed, trying not to cry again.

 

“Of course she wants to see you. You’re her best friend, and despite the fact that she should hate you, she keeps asking to see you. We’ve been keeping her phone away from her so she doesn’t do anything dumb but if she wants to be the way she is and talk to you and forgive you or whatever then we can’t stop her. You two are adults, after all,” Nayeon explained, rolling her eyes at Momo’s infallible need to see the best in everyone and everything.

 

“I-“ Sana cut herself off, not trusting her voice and also not sure of what she wanted to say.

 

“How about this, you go take a shower, and we’ll get you something to eat, because I know you, and I know you haven't eaten. You and that best friend of yours share the worst habits,” Nayeon huffed, striding out of the room.

 

“While I don’t necessarily agree with her methods, she’s got a point. You can’t let this stop you from living, whether it ends poorly or not,” Dahyun said quietly, rubbing Sana’s shoulder. She followed Nayeon, leaving Sana to the shower.

 

As Sana stepped out of the shower and turned the water off, she heard raised voices and a door closing. Wrapping her hair and body in towels, she stepped out of the steam-filled bathroom, trying to figure out what was going on. Seeing who was standing in front of her as she walked down the hallway made her stop in her tracks, a gasp escaping her lips. Even without knowing the circumstances, she could tell Momo had been crying. A lot. She seemed so small, and Sana wanted nothing more than to pull her into her arms and tell her everything would be alright. But she couldn’t do that. Not now, maybe not ever again. Momo held up a paper bag no doubt filled with food with a weak smile.

 

“I made Nayeon and Dahyun leave. Nayeon always makes such a big fuss over everything,” Momo laughed softly. “I brought your favorite from the Chinese place. Thought we could talk about some stuff over a meal.”

 

“O-okay,” Sana stuttered, clutching her towel, still frozen in shock.

 

“Maybe you should put on some clothes first.”

 

* * *

“So you and Mina are…” Sana trailed off, letting Momo fill in the blank.

 

“She wants to pretend we’re broken up so that we can figure things out. Her words,” Momo answered, watching her chopsticks twirl noodles around.

 

“What are you figuring out?” Sana asked, despite the fact that she had a pretty good idea of the answer. Momo sat back and sighed, making eye contact with her across the table.

 

“I know that I can be… oblivious to things sometimes, but I’m not an idiot. I notice things. I understand myself very well. I’m not a naïve and innocent child just because I like to see the good in situations and people. Nayeon kept telling me these past few days that you were using me. Maybe she’s right, but I was using you too. I like attention, I like how you make me feel when you get too close, I liked that I could have that and Mina. I encouraged it… encouraged you. I’m not dumb enough to think that it meant nothing, for me or you,” Momo admitted with a huge sigh, running a hand through her hair and looking out the kitchen window. Sana said nothing, letting everything sink in. After a few moments, Momo spoke up again.

 

“I lied, you know. To you and Mina. I completely remember that night. I just wanted to spare some of her feelings, and I know you would’ve said something if you remembered,” Momo revealed, causing Sana to gasp.

 

“You- I… we- did we?” Sana stumbled, unaware of how to process this information.

 

“We made out. A lot of heavy petting. We got close to it and then you pushed me away and told me we couldn’t. Then you passed out,” Momo answered, rubbing the side of her face and smiling in that soft way she did when she thought something was cute.

 

“I- I stopped…” Sana whispered to herself in awe. She looked up at Momo again only to find tears welling in Momo’s eyes.

 

“I just- I just wish I hadn’t hurt Mina in the process of figuring out what I wanted. I don’t need any time to do that, I’ve known ever since I started dating Nayeon, and I probably knew deep down before then, but I… I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. What if everything had changed, and then we realized it wouldn’t work out? I was so afraid. I hurt them to keep myself from getting hurt and I’m… I’m so fucking selfish,” Momo sobbed, wiping at her eyes. Sana immediately pushed herself out of her chair and went to Momo’s side, hugging her close and letting her cry into her shoulder.

 

“You know, Mina is one of the smartest people I’ve ever met. Do you know what she said to me? That she’ll be okay. Maybe we’re not okay right now, maybe she’s hurting and you’re hurting and I’m hurting and maybe we’re all just not okay but we will be. We’ll get through this and figure out our emotions and maybe it won’t stop hurting for a very long time but even though we’ve done awful things there’s always gonna be something positive to come out of it. Do we deserve to hurt and feel bad because of this? Yeah, maybe, but Mina’s wounds will heal like Nayeon’s have and they’re gonna end up happier than they ever were and ever would have been with you. Would you rather have trapped them in a relationship that was never fully equal? They- I really think they knew, you know? That’s why they broke up with you. Not just because you possibly cheated or because you wouldn’t move in with them. Because those things meant something.” Sana sucked in a deep breath, feeling tears cloud her own eyes.

 

“When did you get so smart?” Momo sniffled, wiping her nose.

 

“I’ve always been smart,” Sana smiled, blinking the wetness away.

 

“Debatable.”

 

“Shut _up_ , this is a serious moment,” Sana whined, pushing Momo away from her.

 

“If we get any more serious I think my head’s gonna explode,” Momo said, rubbing her temples.

 

“I think that’s just a crying headache,” Sana smiled softly, running a hand through Momo’s hair.

 

“Yeah, well, it sucks. Wanna go take a nap?” Momo offered, standing up and stretching.

 

“I’d love to.”

 

* * *

Sometimes stories don’t have a happy ending, but life is rarely all bad either. Sana was sure she’d probably receive some kind of karmic retribution in the end, but sitting here scrolling through Facebook pictures of Mina smiling and laughing with all her hometown friends and liking her posts about her new, better paying job, she couldn’t help but hope that God would take it a little easy on her. Dahyun would probably make some snarky comment about God and karma being two different belief systems but Sana kinda thought it was all the same thing anyway. Something to believe in and look forward to.

 

“Hey, are you okay?” Tzuyu’s voice startled her. Sana locked her phone, not wanting anyone to see her being a creep.

 

“She’s fine, just spacing out like she always does. Annoying as hell,” Nayeon groaned, not looking up from her phone.

 

“Will you shut up?” Sana shot back.

 

“No, Jihyo is already slamming me with texts. You’re making us late.” Nayeon showed her phone screen, filled with texts from Jihyo.

 

“You’re the one who spent thirty minutes looking for an outfit,” Tzuyu interjected, causing Nayeon to glare before withering under Tzuyu’s unamused expression.

 

“Excuse me for not wanting to look like a hobo just because we’re helping Jihyo move her massive amount of shit. Besides, this is a big occasion, and you know Jihyo is gonna want to take pictures for her _scrapbook_ ,” Nayeon huffed, imitating Jihyo’s inflection.

 

“Ah, let her be excited. It’s a new beginning, she’s moving in with her girlfriend,” Momo chided.

 

“Right, that thing you’ve never done because you’re afraid of it. You certainly weren’t that invested in my excitement every time I asked you,” Nayeon nagged. Sana could feel Momo detaching from reality as Nayeon continued on about every slightly annoying thing Momo had ever done while they were dating, and she and Tzuyu tried not to laugh at the former couple.

 

“Oh my _God_ , I’ve been waiting with the car for ten minutes. Jihyo has called me _three times_ ,” Jeongyeon complained as she came in and closed the apartment door behind her.

 

“Boo-hoo, Yoo Jeongyeon. She’s already got Chaeyoung and Dahyun helping doesn’t she? It’ll be fine,” Nayeon said, interrupting her own ranting about Momo.

 

“Were you not _just_ complaining about us being late?” Sana pointed out.

 

“Irrelevant. Let’s go team,” Nayeon announced, walking to the door.

 

“Who made her the leader?” Jeongyeon grumbled, nevertheless falling in line behind her.

 

As they all made their way out to help with a friend’s “new beginning”, Sana couldn’t help but grin as Momo nonchalantly slipped her hand into hers and locked their fingers together. New beginnings indeed.

**Author's Note:**

> drop a kudos and a comment if you liked it
> 
> come yell at me on twitter @momocunt


End file.
